My Sophia is upset. You see, today at school the local police will be taking the fingerprints of all kindergarteners whose parents signed a permission slip for them to do so. Her father and I have not and will not grant permission for her fingerprints to be taken. Which means that Sophia will be left sitting somewhere by herself while the rest of the kids … Continue reading Why My Kindergartener Will Not Be Getting Fingerprinted
I clipped this essay out of the local paper 10 years ago and don’t know who the original author is, but wanted to share: For all parents and grandparents . . . The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140. This does not touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to … Continue reading Children: What’s the return on investment?
I used to know a woman who did parent education with low-income, teen moms. One day we were talking about teaching basic nutrition and moms putting soda in baby bottles (something which is simply unimaginable to the sort of moms I hang out with). She explained to me, “usually she is trying to be nice to her baby. She likes soda. She’s a teen so she thinks everyone is making a big deal out of nothing if they say soda is bad. And really, she just wants to give the baby something that they will enjoy having. Then the baby is quiet and she feels like a good mom.”
And I thought about it and kind of nodded my head. Obviously, we’re talking about mom-kid who is fatherless and has probably been abused. Her own mother who was probably the same. There’s actually a developmental point where a baby who wants to share starts to understand that what she likes isn’t always the right thing to offer to someone else. But that happens in toddlerhood. And then for a little while I decided that these girls must be really messed up to think it was just being nice to let their babies drink cola. Until I reminded myself that I regularly let my kids drink out of my coffee mug and will even make them their own mini-cup as a treat. Um, maybe they are just adolescents with really bad taste and a teenaged perspective on life doing what many parents do sometimes? Many people do say that adolescence and toddlerhood are pretty much the same thing after all. Continue reading “God is father to the fatherless. We just call ’em bastards.”
Train a child up in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6
This is a much used and much abused scripture verse when it comes to parenting. Many parents hold onto it while raising their kids and think it means “If I teach him right from wrong, he’ll stay on the straight and narrow.” These same parents all too often find themselves wondering if maybe this was one of those bible verses which shouldn’t be taken too literally some years later. Sometimes it can be the source of a great deal of heartache. But there are several problems with the way this verse is often read.
First of all, there’s the “in the way that he should go” issue. I have written before about how our children come with their own personalities, needs and journeys to walk. Teaching kids right and wrong is a small part of parenting. It simply says “this is how people should behave.” That’s an entirely different issue than actually raising a kid. To raise a kid, we need to show them “here’s how to walk the path you will need to walk.”
The word “way” – Hebrew darkow – indicates a path or journey. When used in reference to God it indicates his way of doing things. We will each have our own way of doing what God requires of us. This is what we need to prepared for. Simply exhorting good behavior and punishing bad isn’t going to cut it, imo.
Secondly, it should be noted that the promise’s fulfillment is “when he is old”. Continue reading “Raise a child up and whaaaaa?”
Want to do something amazing for your relationship with your kids? Engage in this thought exercise:
Think of a good friend; someone you genuinely like and care about. (Don’t use your spouse – too many in-law issues!) What sort of parent would you want for that friend? If you were somehow able to go back and parent your friend yourself, how would you do it?
I have found that by looking at a friend, who I don’t really have a vested interest in trying to change, I can envision what it would look like for me to parent with more patience, wisdom and acceptance. It’s helped me come to see my kids for what they are. They are their own persons who have both the right and the responsibility to figure out who they are and what sort of life they want to live. What they are not are extensions of me or proof of the worth of my life or even my skills as a parent.
This is so clear to us when dealing with any human being other than a child – particularly your own. Then we are prone to respond to their imperfections, independence and petty rebellions by going into whatever our version of full-blown panicked-tyranny mode is to cow them into pleasing us. And that’s hard on both parent and child. A lot of parents are convinced that if they didn’t make sure their kids stay not just on the straight and narrow but on the painted line right in the middle of the road, all hell will break loose. I just don’t have the fortitude or the compliant kids necessary to get away with that style of parenting, so I’ve been letting my kids wander all over the countryside surrounding the road for a while now and it seems to be working as well as anything else.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I have no problem pulling rank and forcing my kids to behave or comply if need be. But my preferred method is always to convince them to go along by choice. One of my proudest parenting moments was when Continue reading “Rolling your eyes is a good parenting technique”
The best parenting analogy I have heard compared having a child to being given a plant. Some plants are more demanding to grow than others. Some are more sensitive to change. Some must be nurtured for many seasons before they will show their flowers and bear their fruit. Others are easy and sunny and thrive on neglect. We create a lot of trouble when we try … Continue reading What sort of garden do you grow?
Note: A few years back I did some writing for a now defunct Christian magazine. I never put these articles up here because the magazine owns the rights to them, but now that they are defunct, well, I’m going to share! In the early ‘90s Salt-n-Peppa famously sang “Let’s talk about sex, baby” and boy, oh boy do we take their exhortations to heart. Sex … Continue reading Let’s talk about sex, baby!
I am not God (just in case you were confused – lol), but based on what I know about God and how he works – which admittedly may be all wrong – I have certain hypothesis about what God would want us to be saying about a variety of topics. And although it may seem blasphemous to those who think that we already know all … Continue reading What I think God would say about abortion
Want to drive yourself crazy? Do what I do: have a set of kids, wait 5 or 6 years and have another set. Try to figure out if you screwed up the first set so you can better parent the second set. It’s a terrible pastime, really; going back and revisiting every parenting decision you made along the way to try to judge the outcomes. … Continue reading Mom’s Going Crazy Recipe
Here’s a question for you parents: your kid does something boneheaded. It wasn’t necessarily intentional, but it was entirely preventable. You discuss with him what went wrong and what needs to be done about it. At the end of the conversation the kid asks, “are you angry with me?” What’s your answer? Is there a place in parenting for holding anger over our kid’s head? … Continue reading Question for Parents: “Are you angry?”
The Upside Down World 