Forget the re-settlement of Israel or all the weird astronomical alignments happening this December, if you want real proof that we’re in the last days, look no further than the spread of Prince Harry’s nudie shots around the globe. Can you imagine telling people in colonial India or America that the day would come that people everywhere would see the Prince of England in the … Continue reading We’re in the Last Days
Dear Bertha*,
I am writing to let you know that my daughter mentioned to me today that on several occasions now your daughter Suzi-Q has made derogatory comments to her regarding her half-black heritage. The poor thing even tried claiming that you had told her that you didn’t like black people too. I knew you would want to know about this right away so you can talk to Suzi-Q about not repeating every ridiculous thing she hears some ill-bred child on the playground saying. And of course, we wouldn’t want other, more credulous people to catch wind of her claim that you don’t like black people. I’m sure that she’ll never repeat such nonsense again once she understands that people will assume she is being raised by repugnant trailer-park trash who doesn’t deserve to breathe the air that the Good Lord provides us. I mean, obviously I’ve known perfectly fine people who live in trailer parks and it’s completely possible for scummy filth to reside in a lovely home like your own. But you know how people can be with their ridiculous stereo-typing and absurd assumptions based on the shallowest of pretenses. We’ll just have to hope Suzi-Q’s unfortunate statements haven’t gotten back to anyone else and harmed your family’s good standing in the community. Continue reading “Do You Think I Should Send This?”
Ugh, I’ve been struggling to figure out how to write this post for several days, but no clever ideas have come to me so I suppose I may as well just dive in and vomit it out. The last you heard from me, I was going to go curl up in the fetal position. Which wasn’t hyperbole. I was probably a couple of days out from … Continue reading Hi. Remember Me?
It is Friday. And Friday is a good day for wine. Because you’re too tired to do anything crazy, but something to take the edge off is called for. Wine is perfect for that! And let me tell you, if you are getting drunk off of wine, the wine you are drinking isn’t good enough. Or you’re not paying enough attention to it. Either way, … Continue reading Did the Ex Try to Poison Me? Plus, A Guide to Wine for the Newbie.
I met a woman a couple of months ago who may have saved my life. At the very least, she brought a much needed spark of laughter and joy into a dark time. And I don’t even remember her name. She was a short woman, with slightly beaver like teeth, but it was a faux-masquerade ball at the local science museum for geeky adults and she was wearing a sequined mask, so I never saw her face. I went because not only am I a geeky adult, I’m also a member of the museum so it was free.
In the course of talking I mentioned that I had 5 kids and was separated from their dad. Turns out she was divorced as well. I listened to her story and expressed sympathy for her painful experience. And then she turned to me and said, “well, and I hate to be a Debby Downer here, but you do know you’re never going to get another man again. Not with 5 kids you’re not. No way. You’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.” At which point it took every ounce of self-control for me not to burst out laughing. Who says something like that? What is wrong with this person? How do you even respond to something like that? Do you burst into tears, confess your fear of being alone forever and let her shake her head knowingly at the shame of it all? If you try to protest that you’ll be OK she’s just going to assume you’re in denial and maybe humor you. I could have told her she was rude, but she was such a character I hated to see her leave in a huff. I told her I hadn’t started processing that aspect of my loss yet.
Now, if this had been all the woman said, that would have been enough to make it worth my drive out that night. But I will take it that God knows my sense of humor and put this dear woman in my path that night. Continue reading “The Prophetess of Doom and Gloom”
When I was a kid, every time one of my parents said, “don’t be a smart aleck” I had to supress the mighty urge to respond, “would you rather I be a dumb aleck?” (I’m pretty sure my attempts at repression failed more than once.) Even worse was when my dad would get frustrated with me and tell me, “ah- you just think you’re right.” Well, yeah – of course I think I’m right. If I thought I were wrong, I would change my mind. Duh. Change my mind if I’m so wrong. (At this point my father is saying to the monitor: “finally – she tells it like it really is!” To which I must simply point out that I was a teenager who never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties, dated or had sex. And I was usually on the honor roll and attended mass daily. The challenges of raising me could probably be viewed as the parenting equivalents of first world problems.)
My favorite people have always been the ones who I could crack wise with to my heart’s content. Part of the bond I always shared with the qxh (quasi-ex-husband) was the fact that I could say almost any outrageous over-the-top thing that popped into my head around him. Which can create its own complications. I had to sit him down a couple of years into our marriage to explain that we don’t actually live in a sitcom and if he didn’t tone it down, he was going to find himself in the middle of a family melodrama with no batteries in the remote.
Last night I attended a divorce care recovery group where it was recommended that we make a list of what we have lost in divorce. One of those things for me has been having a place for my personality to just sprawl out where ever it wanted to go. Continue reading “An Aspiring Dumb Aleck Speaks”
Ok, so don’t ask me how, but some how the only job I have been able to find is working as a wedding dj. I know, right? The irony. It’s actually a cool job – great people watching. And it’s like the opposite of being a cop: you are seeing people on the best day of their life.
The problem is that it’s not a job that leaves a lot of room for error. This is a one-time deal (theoretically) and you have one shot to get it right. Unfortunately, I blew that shot last night. I DJ’ed a beautiful, very high end wedding last night (New Year’s Eve) and just screwed up from start to finish. I won’t go into all of the gory details, but it started with forgetting my cell phone and gas money and ended with me somehow unplugging the entire sound system during the middle of a song. And that wasn’t even the worst of it. I mean, I didn’t ruin the evening – people had a lot of fun and several people came over to thank me. But whenever their wedding reception comes up, they will say, “God, that dj was awful!” Shockingly, I did not receive a tip.
I feel like I should send the couple a note apologizing for all of the glitches. Continue reading “Depressed DJ For Hire”
I hate New Year’s resolutions. Hate them. The worst part of New Year’s day for me was always when the qxh (quasi-ex-husband) would pull out a piece of paper and write “Trotter Family Resolutions” across the top. So we could “pull them out at the end of the year and see how we did”. Great, another completely unrealistic standard to feel bad about not meeting. Just what I need!
The other day I read an article which advised that the key to keeping this year’s resolutions was to set up specific targets. Like “I will exercise 3 times a week and lose 25 lbs by April 1.” Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Seriously. That’s what it said. Like the two are related. Continue reading “A New Year’s Resolution for the Overwhelmed, Forgetful and Easily Distracted”
Since I am a contrarian at heart and everyone and their brother is doing the “Let’s talk about what we’re thankful for” bit, I’m going to offer up something completely different. Because as important as gratitude is, I also know that on Thanksgiving there are an awful lot of people for whom the answer to “what are you most grateful for?” is “that I don’t … Continue reading Thanksgiving Family Survival Guide
This afternoon, I strapped Olivia into her stroller and headed out the door for a nice, long walk. I was going to fetch the dog to come with us, but my darling Hobbes had somehow managed to escape off his non pull dog harness where I had left him to pee and bark at deer 20 minutes earlier. Again. Not to worry he wasn’t lost. He’s … Continue reading My Dog’s an A-hole
The Upside Down World 