Missy Piggy Tattoo by Jamie Sapp. Inspired by my career making performance, no doubt.
I’m not sure exactly what came over me, but one afternoon in the music room in junior high I was so charged up from a long day of doing anything I could think of to keep myself amused that I stood up and belted out the words “Look at moi! I’m as helpless as a piglet in a trough! . . . I get hungry just holding your hand!” like a 12 year old soprano Ethel Merman. That afternoon, I remember standing by my mom’s bed where she was folding laundry and telling her a little sheepishly that I was going to be Miss Piggy in the school play. It was kind of a big deal for me, but the thought of my family seeing me behave so outrageously was pretty mortifying. And not only that, but I was going to be singing and dancing with a boy in my class. In front of everyone! A kind of cute boy even. (Not that he could hold a candle to Justin Donneley who was not only the hottest 12 year old ever, but inexplicably, spoke with an english accent of some sort. I think I would have lost control of myself in some way if I had to dance with Justin Donnely in front of everyone.)
I, of course, stole the show. Or maybe not. I don’t really remember. But what I do remember is something my mom told me after the show. Some woman who I vaguely knew existed had sought out my mom and told her that I had “a voice like a beautiful bell.” Now, I do love singing – always have. But for many years, I had a huge hang-up about singing in front of people. So, I really had to push past my comfort zone to make a big ham out of myself in front of my classmates and whoever else was there. This woman’s compliment was my reward.
I am. That’s our goal. I am. We are children of I Am. Made in his image. I am. Are you? Ha!
Part of our problem is that we are convinced that I am – whether it be God, ourselves, or our present circumstances and surroundings – is something to be suspect of, probably terribly boring or terrible bad or terribly not me. Like the God whose main building tool is explosions is going to want us to stand around all day humming melodically. Seriously? (Sometimes when people talk to me, this just pops into my head.)
But we resist I am. If we didn’t we’d have to learn to slow down and be present. We’d maybe even have to let ourselves be irreperably imperfect. We’d have to face things we didn’t even know we’d be running from. And that would be uncomfortable. We’d have to do things the people around us might not approve of. It might be too hard. It might even drive you into the arms of God, no? Because it’s not easy to learn to just be. I would never want to have to do it on my own.
When you are determined to learn to embrace I Am whether it is the I Am God or the I am Rebecca or I am going through an unwanted divorce and I’m really embarrassed at what the people I’m related to will think of me because of this, then you will reach a place that I call zen – although it’s probably a terrible abuse of what the actual word means. To me zen is just a very deep acceptance. It’s when you can let go – even for just a few seconds at a time – of your emotional need for reality to be different than it actually is. It’s not letting go of desire – wanting something is part of reality, and acceptance of reality is what living with and in I am is all about. One of the differences between real zen and the Christian version, donchya know.
When I am at “zen”, I find that I have all the patience in the world when I need it. There is peace. There is joy. Things make much more sense from the point of zen than they do any other time. If I’ve ever said something that was so obvious that it made you feel stupid for not having thought of it that way before, it’s something that came from being in zen. Continue reading “I am. God is. Are you? Zen . . .”
I’m about to break one of my family of origin’s cardinal rules: I’m going to tell you who I voted for long, long ago in the aughts.
I grew up among very upstanding people who did not break rules and we all know the rules: no talking about religion, money or politics. (They added in sex as well. I think a lot of people did.) And since those were the rules, they didn’t talk about those things. And on the rare occasions that someone did mention politics, religion or money, they seemed to think that since they were already going to be breaking the rules, they might as well be rude about it. Which meant that talking about such things seemed very rude indeed. I never found our family gatherings to be very interesting.
So, I felt very extra brave when I decided to openly campaign for John Kerry in 2004. (The qxh asked me not to put out lawn signs or window signs.) I bravely wore my John Kerry for President button to the Y for the kid’s homeschool gym and swim class. I talked with friends who were confused and frankly a bit appalled at me. I live in a bedroom community in the great northern tundras of the USA. I am a Christian. I homeschooled. I am pro-life. I have too many kids. I voted for Bush in 2000 and would do it again just so we would be spared the trauma of having to listen to the sound of Al Gore’s voice in the days after 9-11. (Think heartbroken, angry country, smoking ruins, a megaphone and Al Gore. It makes me shudder.) I was personally insulted by things my fellow campaigners said thinking that everyone there was of a like mind. But I felt that strongly about it and it wasn’t about hating Bush. For me it was far more fundamental than that. It was about expectations; what do we have a right to expect from our government? Me, I expect the government to make plans to secure weapons in their own war zone. Continue reading “Why conservatives should have voted for Kerry”
“O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.” (Psalm 139:1)
Perhaps the most frightening attribute of God is that He knows everything about us. Everything! He has “searched” (literally “penetrated”) us and “known” (“understood”) us. . . Furthermore, He is everywhere around each one of us (vv. 7-10), wherever we are or could be. He fills all space, and there is no escape.
Go ahead, ask me where I found that quote. Or even better, how ’bout I up the fun quotient and give you some options. Was it:
Collin is learning to be a really funny, crabby 45 year old man. Unfortunately he’s stuck being 12 at the moment.
Want to do something amazing for your relationship with your kids? Engage in this thought exercise:
Think of a good friend; someone you genuinely like and care about. (Don’t use your spouse – too many in-law issues!) What sort of parent would you want for that friend? If you were somehow able to go back and parent your friend yourself, how would you do it?
I have found that by looking at a friend, who I don’t really have a vested interest in trying to change, I can envision what it would look like for me to parent with more patience, wisdom and acceptance. It’s helped me come to see my kids for what they are. They are their own persons who have both the right and the responsibility to figure out who they are and what sort of life they want to live. What they are not are extensions of me or proof of the worth of my life or even my skills as a parent.
This is so clear to us when dealing with any human being other than a child – particularly your own. Then we are prone to respond to their imperfections, independence and petty rebellions by going into whatever our version of full-blown panicked-tyranny mode is to cow them into pleasing us. And that’s hard on both parent and child. A lot of parents are convinced that if they didn’t make sure their kids stay not just on the straight and narrow but on the painted line right in the middle of the road, all hell will break loose. I just don’t have the fortitude or the compliant kids necessary to get away with that style of parenting, so I’ve been letting my kids wander all over the countryside surrounding the road for a while now and it seems to be working as well as anything else.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I have no problem pulling rank and forcing my kids to behave or comply if need be. But my preferred method is always to convince them to go along by choice. One of my proudest parenting moments was when Continue reading “Rolling your eyes is a good parenting technique”
I wrote this poem ages and ages ago but never thought it was very good. But lines from it keep popping into my head lately. So I thought I’d share. I am the willow in winter Long swaying branches like tenticles dance on frigid air tinkling an icy fugue the leafless branches are all beauty, no life. I will be the willow in spring reaching down to … Continue reading I Am The Willow In Winter
Trotter children are immediately identifiable by their curly hair
Each of my children has a story we tell them about some way in which their lives have mattered. I believe that it’s one thing to tell a kid they are important and that they matter, but it’s something of a gift to them to be able to tell them how they have mattered. Then they’re not just a lowly child floating out in the world with no real base or purpose to start with. It grounds the message that they have value in their real world. It’s concrete evidence for them that just because they exist, the world is a different, better place.
My oldest Noah was born when his father and I were not married. If it wasn’t for him, we would not have formed a family and his siblings wouldn’t be here. And his birth also changed me. Before having him, if you had walked up to me at any given moment and said, “I’m sorry, only real humans are allowed here. Penguins such as yourself belong elsewhere” and I would have shrugged at being caught and thanked you for telling me I was a penguin – I had been wondering about that. I had a bad case of imposter’s syndrome. Practically from the start, parenting Noah was something I just knew how to do and I felt completely comfortable doing it. It was almost like working out of an area of spiritual blessing and was an important step on the way to me knowing (hopefully) more and more of who God created me to be.
Collin, who is now 12 was born while his dad was very sick. His medical care was awful but we were young and hadn’t yet realized that the system works differently once your illness has no identifiable cause or treatment. They eventually told us that he was crazy – really, they did. They even gave us a black binder with a report saying so. Continue reading “Do Your Kids Know Their Own Story?”
I met a woman a couple of months ago who may have saved my life. At the very least, she brought a much needed spark of laughter and joy into a dark time. And I don’t even remember her name. She was a short woman, with slightly beaver like teeth, but it was a faux-masquerade ball at the local science museum for geeky adults and she was wearing a sequined mask, so I never saw her face. I went because not only am I a geeky adult, I’m also a member of the museum so it was free.
In the course of talking I mentioned that I had 5 kids and was separated from their dad. Turns out she was divorced as well. I listened to her story and expressed sympathy for her painful experience. And then she turned to me and said, “well, and I hate to be a Debby Downer here, but you do know you’re never going to get another man again. Not with 5 kids you’re not. No way. You’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.” At which point it took every ounce of self-control for me not to burst out laughing. Who says something like that? What is wrong with this person? How do you even respond to something like that? Do you burst into tears, confess your fear of being alone forever and let her shake her head knowingly at the shame of it all? If you try to protest that you’ll be OK she’s just going to assume you’re in denial and maybe humor you. I could have told her she was rude, but she was such a character I hated to see her leave in a huff. I told her I hadn’t started processing that aspect of my loss yet.
Now, if this had been all the woman said, that would have been enough to make it worth my drive out that night. But I will take it that God knows my sense of humor and put this dear woman in my path that night. Continue reading “The Prophetess of Doom and Gloom”
When I was a kid, every time one of my parents said, “don’t be a smart aleck” I had to supress the mighty urge to respond, “would you rather I be a dumb aleck?” (I’m pretty sure my attempts at repression failed more than once.) Even worse was when my dad would get frustrated with me and tell me, “ah- you just think you’re right.” Well, yeah – of course I think I’m right. If I thought I were wrong, I would change my mind. Duh. Change my mind if I’m so wrong. (At this point my father is saying to the monitor: “finally – she tells it like it really is!” To which I must simply point out that I was a teenager who never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties, dated or had sex. And I was usually on the honor roll and attended mass daily. The challenges of raising me could probably be viewed as the parenting equivalents of first world problems.)
My favorite people have always been the ones who I could crack wise with to my heart’s content. Part of the bond I always shared with the qxh (quasi-ex-husband) was the fact that I could say almost any outrageous over-the-top thing that popped into my head around him. Which can create its own complications. I had to sit him down a couple of years into our marriage to explain that we don’t actually live in a sitcom and if he didn’t tone it down, he was going to find himself in the middle of a family melodrama with no batteries in the remote.
Remember when everyone was writing their “25 Random Things” lists on facebook? Believe or not, it’s been 2 years since that became such a big thing that news outlets devoted coverage to the phenomena which I think means it’s time to take a look back and see what’s changed, what’s the same and maybe what we wish we hadn’t said. I invite you to share your “25 Random Things” list in the comments below. If you are a blogger, this is an easy blog post – link back here or put a link in the comments below.
Here’s my list from January 17, 2009:
1. I always put the toilet lid down before flushing. You should to.
2. For several years when I was little my dad owned a small Cessna airplane. Except for my dad’s airplane, I have not flown since I was 3.
3. I am very funny. Sometimes other people even agree with me.
4. I am often stunned at how beautiful, smart and funny my little girls are.
5. I’m not entirely sure what my natural hair color is.
6. I have a spiritual director I meet with once a month.
7. I will be putting pictures of the plants I start from seed and grow under lights up on facebook all spring. They make me very, very happy.
8. I’m not a very good gardener. But I am sure that in 10 years I will be.
9. I did prison ministry in college.
10. I am taking the test to join Mensa next Saturday.
11. I’ve never met anyone I like (and sometimes hated) as much as my husband.
12. I enjoy reading stories about people’s near-death experiences.
13. I had my first alcoholic drink the fall after I turned 20.
14. I am currently writing my spiritual memoir and I’m very happy with how it’s going. (Please send any writer’s agents you may know my way!)
15. Two of the guys I dated in college broke up with me because they said I was intimidating. Continue reading “What were your “25 Random Things”?”
I am. That’s our goal. I am. We are children of I Am. Made in his image. I am. Are you? Ha!
I’m about to break one of my family of origin’s cardinal rules: I’m going to tell you who I voted for long, long ago in the aughts. 
I met a woman a couple of months ago who may have saved my life. At the very least, she brought a much needed spark of laughter and joy into a dark time. And I don’t even remember her name. She was a short woman, with slightly beaver like teeth, but it was a faux-masquerade ball at the local science museum for geeky adults and she was wearing a sequined mask, so I never saw her face. I went because not only am I a geeky adult, I’m also a member of the museum so it was free.
When I was a kid, every time one of my parents said, “don’t be a smart aleck” I had to supress the mighty urge to respond, “would you rather I be a dumb aleck?” (I’m pretty sure my attempts at repression failed more than once.) Even worse was when my dad would get frustrated with me and tell me, “ah- you just think you’re right.” Well, yeah – of course I think I’m right. If I thought I were wrong, I would change my mind. Duh. Change my mind if I’m so wrong. (At this point my father is saying to the monitor: “finally – she tells it like it really is!” To which I must simply point out that I was a teenager who never drank, smoked, did drugs, went to parties, dated or had sex. And I was usually on the honor roll and attended mass daily. The challenges of raising me could probably be viewed as the parenting equivalents of first world problems.)
Remember when everyone was writing their “25 Random Things” lists on facebook? Believe or not, it’s been 2 years since that became such a big thing that news outlets devoted coverage to the phenomena which I think means it’s time to take a look back and see what’s changed, what’s the same and maybe what we wish we hadn’t said. I invite you to share your “25 Random Things” list in the comments below. If you are a blogger, this is an easy blog post – link back here or put a link in the comments below.
The Upside Down World 