I start to pray and stop myself. Why bother? It’s not like God’s going to do anything for me. Give me something I need or a blessing or favor. I’ll ask and just be more bitter for the asking. I’m not a genie in the sky. I don’t exist to grant wishes and manipulate outcomes to your liking. I get that and it’s fine. But … Continue reading Prayers of Futility
I have been having a hard time writing lately in part because all I have say is, “I’m miserable and I’m dying and why doesn’t God care about me and I’m miserable and I’ve been abandoned and I’m being ground up into dust and Jesus Christ on the cross – this is never going to eeeeennnnnnddddd!” But really, I’ve said it all before and who wants to hear (or write) that crap over and over again?
Well, this morning I came across a blog post written by Frank Viola in which he shared a message for Christians in the wilderness. There are A LOT of us in the wilderness right now. I know that a lot of you are in the wilderness. In fact, I could be way wrong, but from where I’m sitting, I would say that it seems like the better part of the body of Christ that is faithful to Jesus’ way (as opposed to faithful to their theology) are in the wilderness at the moment.
So Frank said something in his message to those of us wandering in the wilderness which frankly, I had never heard before. He said that there is always a price to pay in order to leave the wilderness. Often it is, as he put it “an obscenely high price”:
We have a biological drive for God’s house. We have a spiritual taste for it. We have a longing, a biological instinct, if you will, driving us to our destiny. And we will never be satisfied until we make the decision, no matter what the cost, to be part of God’s building work.
That cost may involve the loss of friends. It may mean harassment or shunning from religious leaders. It may mean vicious and ugly rumors, slander, and gossip. It may mean walking in the steps of Abraham, who left all and headed for a city that he could not see.
It may involve selling our comfortable home and leaving our present job to relocate to another city where there are living stones who are being assembled to form God’s house. (I’ve moved in the past for this. And many of my friends have as well.)
It may involve gross misunderstanding, criticism, and perhaps thornier problems like persecution.
(You should go read the whole thing when you’re done with this!) Like I said, this is a new idea to me. Continue reading “I Think I’m About to Lose a Bunch of Readers”
Pretty regularly my three year old Olivia will tell me, “Michaela loves me.” Or Noah or Dad or whoever in the family she’s just been dealing with. Believe it or not, this doesn’t just happen when someone hands her a piece of candy. Often it’s just after being hugged or read a book or being talked with. Just simple things that seem to make her realize that she is cared for. As a mother, I don’t think I’ve ever heard more reassuring words come out of a child’s mouth than Olivia’s, “everyone loves me.”
I know people who would probably think it is unseemly to declare oneself loved. We’re supposed to tell other people that we love them, not proclaim ourselves as loved. Even if it’s sweet for a 3 year old to say such a thing, it would seem weird and awkward for us to say it. However, as much as we tell people we love them – and we should! – what a gift to tell people that we have received and experienced the love they have for us as well. I know from experience – and I’d bet most of you do too – that there is little which is more hurtful than a loved one rejecting our love. To be a parent who realizes that as fervently as they have loved their child, that for one reason or another that child doesn’t feel loved. A spouse whose partner feels unloved after they’ve poured themselves out heart and soul for them. Or a friend who prayed over and sat with a dear one only to hear, “no one cares about me.” As wounding as never hearing, “I love you” can be, “I don’t feel loved” can be even worse. Continue reading “Do You Know How to Feel Loved?”
Do you want to know what you really look like to God? Pull out a piece of paper and make a list of the things you have prayed for most fervently. What’s there is the sort of person you are presenting yourself to God as. Who have you told God you are? Someone who wants things? Someone who wants people? Someone who wants comfort and ease? Someone who wants God himself? Who do you want God to know you as?
Let me be a blessing to you, Lord.
Be careful what you pray for – asking God for something is a bit like telling the genie in the lamp your wish. He may take you at your word.
Let my heart love and desire nothing and no one more than it loves and desires you, God.
Pray a prayer like that at your own risk – what if God needs to take away everything and everyone for you to be purged of your desire for anything other than him. Are you really willing to risk it? Maybe it would be safer to ask for help paying the mortgage.
Let your light shine through me, Lord. Make me like clear glass that your glory shines through. When people see me, let them know you more because you are shining through me.
Are you sure you want people to be reminded of God when they see you? Last time He traveled through this world they killed him, you know.
A while back, someone told me to look at the prayers I had said, so I really did write the prayers I remembered down on a sheet of paper. Oh. I see now. No wonder I have so many problems.
Sustain me so I can follow you, God.
If I could choose to have God answer my prayer for comfort and ease or for him to answer a prayer to sustain me so I can follow him, which would it be? There is a choice, you know. Following Christ means carrying your cross, not living in comfort and ease. So what will you pray for?
Let my whole life, my very being, be a reflection of your perfect love.
Ouch. That one’s gonna hurt.
Let me love people the way you love people. Continue reading “Whatcha Praying For?*”
When I was 14 I gave up swearing for Lent. And I actually broke the habit entirely for a few months. But that summer I got a job working in a hot, humid greenhouse with a bunch of crabby old ladies who smoked and swore all day long. I’m glad to report that the smoking didn’t rub off on me. I tried giving up swearing again for Lent the next year, but after a few days I decided that it didn’t really count as giving something up if you just kept doing it anyways. So I switched to chocolate. Which is just as well. I happen to love swearing and consider it a valuable life skill. (Recently I left a comment on a blog explaining why I have no problem being a swearing Christian and the first person who responded told me that I should take a logic class before deigning to speak again. He signed his name with his degrees behind it. It was quite amusing all around.)
So anyways, I no longer give things up for Lent, but I do often try to pick up a specific Christian discipline for the season. Now, I know that some of you come from church backgrounds where Christian discipline involves spiritual abuse and lots of meetings with the pastor. Rest assured, that’s not the sort of Christian discipline I’m talking about. Rather, Christian disciplines are simply specific practices which one engages in with the intent of deepening your faith life. It could be fasting, praying the Jesus prayer, engaging a spiritual director, using the book of common prayer, meditation or walking a prayer labyrinth to name just a few examples.
This year I’m going to be doing morning and evening offices through the season of lent – and I’d like to invite you to join me. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Daily offices or Divine hours as they are also known come out of monastic communities which structure their day around prayer services which take place at set hours each day. The practice is said to date back to the Apostles and comes out of the Jewish practice of saying prayers at set times. (For example, in the Book of Acts, Peter and John visit the temple for afternoon prayers. – Acts 3:1) Aside from monastic communities, the practice of “keeping the hours” as it’s sometimes called, is often associated with high church Episcopalians. But any Christian can use/do them. In case you were wondering.
Basically an office is a prayer service which includes prayers, readings from the psalms, scripture, maybe a meditation and a hymn. Some communities use the same prayers each day while changing the scripture readings each day. Others use different prayers or cycle through a set of prayers over the course of a week or month. If this all sounds confusing – it’s not. Unless you’re the poor soul charged with actually putting these services together. For those of us who are simply showing up to join in, it’s very easy. So easy, in fact, that you don’t even have to leave your house. Hell, you don’t even have to get off the computer! There are a variety of places which put up the day’s readings and prayers online. You can just read along at your own pace in your own time. Some even include audio files if you would like to listen or recite them out loud along with a prayer leader.
Of course, this may all sound a wee bit high churchy for some folks. And perhaps you’re wondering why you ought to do such a thing. Well, let me give you three reasons:
You know the story of the widow’s mite? How Jesus said this widow throwing her last two pennies into the collection box was more faithful than those putting in large amounts from their wealth? I always read the story and assumed that the widow was giving her last two pennies out of reverence. But lately, I’ve realized that I’ve been that woman throwing her last coins into the Salvation Army bucket. And it wasn’t often done out of reverence. When I was younger, I might put my penny in so I wouldn’t feel bad about walking past the bucket without putting anything in. Sometimes I did put my last coins in as a way of saying, “I know it’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got. I’ll just trust you to provide the increase.” A few times though, I put my last coins in as an act of protest and complaint; “You want everything? Fine take my last pennies. I do my best, I trust in you and I get left with nothing but a couple of pennies.”
Research has found that poorer people give more of their money away than others. A lot of that is because the amounts given as often so small that you weren’t going to do much with the money anyways. It occured to me that maybe the widow wasn’t so sanguine about her life and her struggles either. Two copper coins wasn’t worth much. It would barely have bought food for one meal. And then what? Maybe that widow too had been walking this path for too long. Maybe she was more broken than obedient and was throwing those copper pieces as a form of defiance and challenge to God? Maybe that was exactly what Jesus saw her doing when he praised her action. I know that if at one of those moments, God had praised those pennies I threw at him, it would have meant everything to me. Continue reading “Throwing Pennies at God”
This was where I was a year ago. The details of the circumstances have shifted around a bit, but really, pretty much nothing has changed.
A friend recently sent a note in which she commented on the lack of “why me?” talk on my blog. Silly girl – I was raised Catholic. I can think of at least 100 reasons all of this is my own fault right off the top of my head! That, plus the fact that life has been handing me inexplicably little help for as long as I can remember means that I let “why me?” go a long time ago. There are only two answers: “you’re doing it wrong” or “because this is the way you need to go“. Either I’m screwing something up and should fix it – hence the Catholic guilt – or this is one of those things that will only make sense later. Frankly, Catholic guilt gets a bad rap – it’s downright empowering in light of the alternative!
This was a tough week. It was one of those weeks where an emotional rough patch and a life rough patch collided and made a mess all over the highway of my life. (I keep telling God he needs to pave the damn thing.) And just to make sure that all of this doesn’t get to be too routine, my wonderful parents were visiting, so I had an audience.
If you read my book The Upside Down World ~ A Book of Wisdom in Progress, you will remember that I first met God in a fit of enraged blasphemy. Which means that I’ve always felt free to itch and moan and be as upset as I want to be in prayer. Besides, Jesus was said to have prayed with “loud cries and tears” himself. So by the end of the week, my prayers had devolved into demands: “I can’t do this. I’m not going to do this. You need to fix this. Not just spiritually, but for real. In the real world. This isn’t right. And besides, it’s not just me – I have all these kids. If it were just me, fine – but it’s not. You need to fix this right now. I’m not Joseph – I can’t wait 40 years for you to bring it all together. You won’t even help me figure out what to do – I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing! If I’m doing it wrong, just tell me – but that doesn’t mean I can even fix it. What am I supposed to do? Why won’t you just help meeeeeeeeee!” At which point, I’m like an overly dramatic, whiney emo-teen and I have to withdraw to pout a bit while the Spirit intercedes with “groanings too deep for words” before I end up with another tattoo and a facial piercing. (I have always wanted to get my eyebrow pierced, though. Continue reading “It Will Be Alright. Or So I’ve Been Told”
Hey folks – I’ve been trying to write all day and it’s just not happening. I think I’ve written and erased a good 3500 words. Good practice, I suppose. But I probably should have just folded the laundry that’s piled 6 loads deep on the couch. The truth is I’ve been struggling pretty badly lately and that’s never good for my writing. Or much of anything else. I’m just . . . I don’t even know what to say except I’ve just had it. And that re-incarnation had damn well better not be true because if I ever have to do this shit again, I’m gonna be pissed. And I’m going to be a nasty, evil, vile person ‘cuz I’ve tried it the other way and it hasn’t done me a damn bit of good. So, if you could spare a prayer for pitiful me, I’d appreciate it. Maybe God will respond to y’all cuz he’s sure not answering me. OK, that was my pity-party way of saying that I have another repeat for ya. Usual “it’s one of my favorites and most of y’all didn’t read it the first time” disclaimers apply.
A couple of years ago, I was sitting on my front porch steps after dinner, watching my two oldest daughters playing and complaining to God in my head. I don’t remember what it was (nothing too serious), but the husband had done something to chap my hide. As I wound down my complaints and let the whole thing go, I asked God in an almost off-handed way, “do you ever have to deal with people treating you like this?” At which point I’m pretty sure all of heaven burst into hearty guffaws. But soon a funny thing started happening: as I dealt with people in my life, often some parallel experience between God and people would pop into my head. Continue reading “The Emotional God”
Let me share a few things about myself which may not be immediately clear just from reading my blog:
I became a mother at age 21.
Last year I took my first commercial flight since I was 3.
I have never been outside of the USA.
I have done almost no traveling outside of the Midwest.
I was planning to be a high school English teacher before I became a mother.
I have 5 kids and two step-children.
I am entirely self-taught re scripture, religion, philosophy/rhetoric, psychology, ANE culture, and other topics I discuss here.
I have never been able to learn a foreign language.
I have been a stay-at-home mom/housewife for the last 12 years.
At this moment, I am sitting in my bedroom in a house that can be seen from I-94 ignoring 3 of my children who are bickering and pretending to be hissing cats.
All of which is to say that from the outside, I hardly seem like anyone special who would be qualified to speak on anything special. I’m just a housewife. It has taken a lot of chutzpa on my part to keep writing here as if I had anything anyone might be interested in reading. Continue reading “Just a housewife”
The moments in my life that have been most sure and which have left me with the most peace and joy have been moments of defiance. The times when, even though no one else would get it, I knew the path I needed to take forward and I took it. These are my reckless moments. Those things that caused offense, consternation, even concern for my sanity among those watching.
I am often a very cautious person. I don’t go shopping without knowing what I’m going to buy and how much I’ll pay for it. I skip the “trust” part of “trust, but verify” and go straight to verify. I can explain the things I do and the choices I make down to a level of detail that could put a hyper-active 7 year old to sleep. I think of what I’m going to say before dialing the phone. I think of questions I can ask people and topics to discuss before I get into conversations. I bite my tongue often. I handle my relationships with kid gloves lest I damage them or hurt someone unintentionally.
So these moments of defiance must seem out of character to anyone who doesn’t understand what’s going on beneath the surface. But these moments of defiance are my most true moments. They are the moments when what is beneath rushes to the surface and propels me forwards, regardless of all the consequences. Because I already know all the consequences. And not one of them – not disapproval, the loss of relationships, poverty, pain or anything else – is nearly enough to stop me from doing what I know I need to do. I can be reckless because I know that I’m doing something I have been specifically called by God to do or because I know that the damage done to myself if I do not do them is far greater than any of those consequences could be. I can be defiant because I have examined the matter through and through and I know that it’s coming from a pure place in my spirit. You have to be willing to be defiant if you are going to follow God and allow him to restore your heart. Continue reading “Defiance is a Christian Virtue”
The Upside Down World 